I’ve spent a fair amount of time today having deeper thoughts about being in my 40s and constantly feeling like shit.

When I say “feeling like shit”, I do not mean “unwell”, by the way. I mean the never-ending feeling of impending doom and disappointment; the silent strangulation of happiness that fills my waking thoughts.

A lot of this is just me working through my thoughts on Matt Rudd’s book Man down. I finished reading it today, and while I definitely associated with the problems and challenges he described as common to middle-aged men, I’m bitterly disappointed that there isn’t cheat code to finding happiness unlocked in the last chapter.

To be fair, that is the point of the book. It will require massive structural changes to how we treat boys (and men) in society before we really unlock real satisfaction or happiness for most western middle-aged men. And for those of us already deep in our middle years, it will require a fundamental rethink of who we are in order to mitigate the feelings we face.

But I feel like I need to move forward through this general feeling of malaise. And what I’m struggling with is just where to start.

‘Reconnect with what is meaningful in your life, which is never usually about power or money. Then ask yourself what you stand for, what is important to you and what are your values.’ From this process, he assures me, you will start to have ideas about what to do next.

-Matt Rudd, Man Down

That quote is probably the clearest instruction in the whole book as to the next steps I should take on this journey. But I am finding it hard to work out what that looks like for me.

Take the first part: “Reconnect with what is meaningful in your life”. To do this, I would need to identify the things that are meaningful in my life.

Beyond the obvious answers of “my wife” and “my children,” I feel bereft of things I find meaningful or passionate about. For the past couple of years, beyond my little nuclear family, nothing in my life really gives me any joy or lasting happiness. Even the things I do to bring joy – like buying and then playing board games – are always directly tied back to my family.

This lack of meaning, purpose, or passion is the sticking point. When you feel so removed from all the things that used to make you happy, how do you identify the things that will spark joy in your life? (note: did anything used to make me happy? Or did I just do it because it was what I knew? I can’t say I’ve ever really been passionate about any causes, and my hobbies have largely been about consuming various forms of media. That’s hardly meaningful.)

I will say that while that question scares me because I currently don’t know if there is an answer, Reed’s book offered some short-term things to do in order to deal with this dissatisfaction.

Exercise more - but not to compete or achieve some arbitrary goal. Spend less time on technology - set some hard boundaries. Try not to compare myself to others - be in the moment. Make time to create things, no matter what it is.

It’s a start at least. But to do it, I need to take a step off this hamster wheel and look at my life holistically. And really, that’s the next step, isn’t it?